As much as I would like to explain the details all I can say is I’ve made some choices in my life that I hope play out for the best. Kicking Sven out and canceling the engagement was one of the hardest things I had to do. I would love for things to get better in the future and to still marry this man that I love so much, but can he get better? Will he WANT to get better? He tells me he does and I have so much hope burning inside my body, but I also have anger deep inside. My anger is based on all the guilt and blame that I took upon myself for 4 months and not realizing until the end that it wasn’t something I could control. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t necessarily his either, but it was still a secret that could have been dealt with along the way.
So while he is no longer living with me and right now we aren’t seeing each other, my hope is that this man that I love so deeply will get the help that he needs and come back to me. I’m sure there are people out there that disagree with my choice to try and make things work, but I fell in love with this man for a reason and that reason “I feel” is still there. Hopefully in a few months I will see a change and we can go on with our love for one another (at a slower place). My fear is that all this pain inside will keep me in an angry place and I won’t be able to love him as I once did. I’m also afraid that he won’t get better. He tells me he will and I try to believe him, but it’s hard when I’ve been hurt by him.
I’m sorry if you're reading this and hearing how depressed I sound. I wanted to make sure I wrote this at a time when this was fresh in my mind. This just happened this past weekend and I need to update it on here so I can update any progress that we have. For better or worse I suppose faith and hope is all I can count on right now.
Luckily I have so many friends that are willing to listen to me and support me. They might not all agree with the decision I've made to support him through this time, but they are still my friends and they still lend me an ear. I appreciate them all for the courage it takes to listen to a friend who is hurt and know that there's not much they can say to help. Just listening has been the best help that any of them could offer to me. Thank you all!